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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good tase.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That's why it's called a "cell" phone.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
U may look a potato now, but one day I'll turn into fries and you'll want me then.
Some people just need a high five. In the face with a chair.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at coffee.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and just whisper quietly "you can see me?"
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I feel down. But I had to use my arms to get back up so... You know, close enough. I need some chocolate.
I'm arguing. I'm just simply explaining why I'm right.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I'm not dead.
Dear haters, I couldn't help but notice that 'Awesome' ends with 'me' and 'Ugly' starts with 'U'.
When they hand your diploma, keep moving. Just in case they try to take it back.
Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. Thet seems like nice people.
Stand up. Strength. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.
It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there light the fridge?
I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.
My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.
That awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and you can't do it.
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
That awkward moment when you're that one friend who always gives relationship advice but he is still single.
I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
No matter how old I get I think I will always have to mentally sing the ABC's to see what letter comes next.
A face in the black background along with some text is not always a quote.
-Don't trust everything you see.
When life brings big winds of change that almost blow you over, close your eyes, hold on tight, and believe.
I wish I were a unicorn, so I could stab idiots with my head.
Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.
remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart.
Well, I'm not usually one for speeches. So, Goodbye.
A composer is a guy goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.
I feel like some of you should thank me for the stuff I don't post.
Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.
Sometimes I think, 'what is a friend? and then I say, 'Friend is someone to share the last cookie with."
If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, haven't decided yet.
Are you really living life or just paying bills until you die?
Education is important but coffee is more important.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Let's flip a coin. Heads, I'm yours. Tails, you're mine.
We are going to best friends forever... Besides... you already know too much.
They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out.
Sometimes you meet such a prince that you'd rather marry the force.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Fueled by caffeine sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts.
I love you because you are almost exactly like me and I'm the best.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before going to bed?
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Dear Karma I have a list of people you missed.
Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, it hurts less.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking a bag of m&m's because let's be honest here...
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
"Ladies first" is just a nice way of saying "let me look at your ass while you walk in front of me".
As long as people will accept crap, it will financially profitable to dispense it.
It's always funny listening to someone lie when you already know the truth.
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
my son always makes me smile when he's dreaming and laughing in his sleep.
Zombies eat brains. You're safe.
I never laugh until I've had my coffee.
I may not be the most important person in your life... I just hope when you hear my name, you smile and say that's my friend.
"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game," according to the losers and their parents.
We are best friends, Always remember that if you fail, I will pick you up... After I finish laughing.
My son makes me smile when he stands up for what he believes in, even if it's his right to have a second portion of the desert.
I'm on a liquid diet... After three drinks, I don't give a shit what I weigh.
You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions.
I'm looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.
there's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it which a club.
I on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.
Life is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
I don't always talk on the phone, but when I do, I walk everywhere in my house.
If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in math class... It never ends.
My boss told me to have a good day... So I went home.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
The fun is always on the other side of a yes.
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
I'm cool but global warming made me hot.
To use the power of the bison, I had to perform that part of my vision for the people to see.